My Blog - if you've found this prepared to be unexcited - This blog contains my spiritual ramblings complete with spelling errors I haven't seen and grammatical errors I haven't realised I've made yet...
Resting and waiting
Gah I'm in a kind of mood where I do have stuff to do but I can't be arsed to do it. Yesterday was spent mostly in bed, then in the evening we watched a film that involved lots of hardcore anal (a friend sent it to us - *shudder* - I want this film erased from my memory!)
Not much has been happening lately. Life has been good, and I'm happy.
The no drinking during a full moon worked out OK (with only one blip, but nothing too drastic that can't be mended). After the question I was asked of what I get up while hubby games and my answer was that I watch TV or read, I realised I needed to shake up my life a bit. So as you can read below, on Thursday I now go to belly dancing then decend on a friend's house to play Rockband etc which is fun :) and on Monday I see what happens, which normally involves going to see my cousin.
Part of me feels bad that I'm not going out to see a mate's first time as DJ. I feel I've cheated myself and I've not made the effort. However, the reason that I've not gone out is that we have the chat night tomorrow at the same venue and it's cold outside - this excuse is not including the hours spent on the bus / waiting for the bus to get to the pub so that I can spend 30 mins there and then come home again.
Well whatya know? The dancer had something to plug - her belly dancing classes which started tonight, which I of course attended lol!
It was nice to see that there were a few faces that came because they'd heard about it at our night *puffs out chest in pride*
Also in the pipeline, along with the website to be created, is a night of psychic development which I'm going to hold. I have no idea how many people will be interested - I've tested the water but so far I've had no online responses, this however doesn't mean much because I always tend to get pissed people confiding in me that they really appreciate me talking about psychic stuff on my LJ... So sod it, I will do it, even if it means it's just me and a begruding hubby there!
Painting in the Summer House
Well it just involved painting some boards black for our event on Saturday, but still, having a paint brush in hand really made me feel better
for the rest of the day (happy, and my heart felt contented).
Stuff yet to do: Make website for friend. If I do it, someone else will come along and do it better, but the jealousy needs to be stroked first...manipulative me?
Many thanks go to the Angels / Spirit realm for supplying us with a dancer and a guitar performer at short notice (and for a reasonable price too!) for the weekend. Thanks for rewarding me for keeping the faith :)
This question got me thinking - What would you do if your confidence was ten times what it is now? (Soul & Spirit, Say yes to life, Issue 9, October 2008)
I think I would take control more.
I think being in charge of something will help build my confidence overall, so to this end I have taken ownership of our garden and will aim to spend at least 5 minutes in it a day. So once the Achtung! madness is over I'm intending to plant boxes and start preparing to grow veg!
Words I will be endeavouring to not use in the future when making plans: Try (trying is not doing), Hope (wishing does not imply action), But (is this excuse valid?), Would (well why not?), Could (why didn't I?), Should (well do it then!).
Gamer version of 'The One' Theory
You are both the DM and the gamer. Yes, as you are in control of the story you are playing you can make the game as easy on your character as you wish, but it wouldn't be very fun for you to play now would it?
I've just realised I have three blogs! Talk about departmentalising. I have one that I try to put funny and uplifting stuff on, while at the same time catching up with what other people are doing; another one for my really off the wall spiritual stuff, which I can't talk to most others about; and this one, which just like my other previous 'diaries' will probably get updated randomly and not very often!
I'm writing to today to help sort out what I think is another loop in my life.
So then for the next few days to a week or so (if the pattern follows) I go through a period doubting myself, which leads to feeling that I've become needy (probably due to the lack of self esteem) and I become grumpy that I rely on Hubby too much and have no life of my own.
The last instance of this is when I snapped because the printer didn't work how I wanted it to - what had led to this point was that I just happily settled into editing my recent manuscript (a job I managed to get for myself! woohoo go me!) and Hubby says the tickets for the club night need sending if I've got a minute.
Now that in itself is a reasonable request, but during this sensitive time to me it just represented how I always drop everything for what Frank's wants, and allow myself to feel like his subordinate. He didn't ask me to do the tickets immediately (I just feel obliged to because I get to work when I want while he slaves away at his various jobs). But I know my time is just as valuable as his, but when I don't take time for me time, and let him take over it irritates me. It's not my fault he's a workaholic and I'm not.
So the purpose of this little whinge is so I can see and stop the cycle. I will always get angry when inanimate objects (like our printer) don't work, but it shouldn't be allowed to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
So how do I propose to solve this?
Current mission for the year - Learn to Like Girls
This thought came about after a female friend (woohoo - almost there!) opened up and said that she was still finding it hard letting her new bloke close to her after the shit that happened with the last one.
Now, I'm not saying I've never been hurt by a bloke, but in general I've been lucky when it comes to being friends / in love with the opposite sex, but it seems the problems I need to address are with my own sex...
I feel it would be helpful for me to combat my neurosis if I list everything here that I remember from childhood and work through it.
Mum being on all fours with the other mums (with the kids on the back) leading us around in a circle, like elephants in a circus - apparently this was to be the first time I joined in this playgroup, as previously I'd hidden away
At first school I was the little picking weirdo - with a few friends who were mostly boys and one young girl follower called Jenny - who later went on to have normal female friends who I found annoying mostly, but some were OK.
In secondary school I was childminded, the daughter of the childminder was one of the popular girls (at school I was the weirdo who belived she was a witch (thanks S. P...). Though I did into ballet dancing through this girl, so it wasn't all bad.
I met G through ballet. She was funny, friendly, but when she started school, she got into the cool crowd and we grow apart (I gave up on this friendship at her birtday party, when I realised I didn't actually like (most probably felt intimidated by) her other friends - who seemed only to care about what they looked like, and other such nonsense I didn't really care about.
Later on in life (during my early modeling career) my only real associations I had with females was naked in photos
What I feel about females
I like natural big boobs, no idea why really
I feel any good female friend I make will find new friends (who I dislike) and bore of me for being slightly strange. (This is something I find going through my memories will uncover).
If I do find a female I'd like to be friends with - I come on too strong, like I'm desperate for friendship, and act like a bloke - which strangely makes them want to make space.