My Blog - if you've found this prepared to be unexcited - This blog contains my spiritual ramblings complete with spelling errors I haven't seen and grammatical errors I haven't realised I've made yet...

23/10/08

Resting and waiting

Gah I'm in a kind of mood where I do have stuff to do but I can't be arsed to do it. Yesterday was spent mostly in bed, then in the evening we watched a film that involved lots of hardcore anal (a friend sent it to us - *shudder* - I want this film erased from my memory!)
Anyway stuff that needs doing: Hubby's taxes and the two books I've been given to edit. So I thought I would post here as I'm trying to do all the little chores first - and there aren't any :/
In other news my dream last night was of an epic nature - "I invoke the power of light" was a chant I was apparently getting everybody to say to fight off the bad folks, however there were other people, after seeing this working, deciding it would be better if they did a big flouncy ritual instead - I blame the other films we watched for this - the new vampire series on myspace and the Viking Queen.
I also need a poo, but my bowels still haven't recovered from the film yet *sigh*.

20/10/08

Not much has been happening lately. Life has been good, and I'm happy.

The no drinking during a full moon worked out OK (with only one blip, but nothing too drastic that can't be mended). After the question I was asked of what I get up while hubby games and my answer was that I watch TV or read, I realised I needed to shake up my life a bit. So as you can read below, on Thursday I now go to belly dancing then decend on a friend's house to play Rockband etc which is fun :) and on Monday I see what happens, which normally involves going to see my cousin.

06/10/08

Staying inside.

Part of me feels bad that I'm not going out to see a mate's first time as DJ. I feel I've cheated myself and I've not made the effort. However, the reason that I've not gone out is that we have the chat night tomorrow at the same venue and it's cold outside - this excuse is not including the hours spent on the bus / waiting for the bus to get to the pub so that I can spend 30 mins there and then come home again.
On another note though, I've finished the rough layout of the website I was going to do! Hey! Go me! (and many thanks go to hubby who despite recovering from a bad cold sorted out the code issues for me)

02/10/08

Well whatya know? The dancer had something to plug - her belly dancing classes which started tonight, which I of course attended lol! It was nice to see that there were a few faces that came because they'd heard about it at our night *puffs out chest in pride*
Hopefully this will be a class I can stick at (well hopefully, it's only a ten week course apparently, and the dancer's first time teaching a class!) and I had a dream where it was going on after the ballet class I used to attend when I was younger - so I'm taking this as a good sign. For once I will be allowing myself to be crap at the start - the days when I expected myself to pick things up without practice are over!

Also in the pipeline, along with the website to be created, is a night of psychic development which I'm going to hold. I have no idea how many people will be interested - I've tested the water but so far I've had no online responses, this however doesn't mean much because I always tend to get pissed people confiding in me that they really appreciate me talking about psychic stuff on my LJ... So sod it, I will do it, even if it means it's just me and a begruding hubby there!

25/09/08

Painting in the Summer House

Well it just involved painting some boards black for our event on Saturday, but still, having a paint brush in hand really made me feel better for the rest of the day (happy, and my heart felt contented).
Yes, my painting will only ever be a hobby, but I've let the shit of Art School take control of my talent for far too long now. I am a great artist, I do not need to justify my pictures to anyone, they are a release and it really doesn't matter what they look like, as long as I like them.

Stuff yet to do: Make website for friend. If I do it, someone else will come along and do it better, but the jealousy needs to be stroked first...manipulative me?

Many thanks go to the Angels / Spirit realm for supplying us with a dancer and a guitar performer at short notice (and for a reasonable price too!) for the weekend. Thanks for rewarding me for keeping the faith :)

22/09/08

This question got me thinking - What would you do if your confidence was ten times what it is now? (Soul & Spirit, Say yes to life, Issue 9, October 2008)

I think I would take control more.
I feel if I wasn't so afraid (mostly during the time after my period) that people aren't willing to listen to my opinions, I would state them less aggressively.

I think being in charge of something will help build my confidence overall, so to this end I have taken ownership of our garden and will aim to spend at least 5 minutes in it a day. So once the Achtung! madness is over I'm intending to plant boxes and start preparing to grow veg!

Words I will be endeavouring to not use in the future when making plans: Try (trying is not doing), Hope (wishing does not imply action), But (is this excuse valid?), Would (well why not?), Could (why didn't I?), Should (well do it then!).

18/09/08

Gamer version of 'The One' Theory

You are both the DM and the gamer. Yes, as you are in control of the story you are playing you can make the game as easy on your character as you wish, but it wouldn't be very fun for you to play now would it?

17/09/08

Me time

I've just realised I have three blogs! Talk about departmentalising. I have one that I try to put funny and uplifting stuff on, while at the same time catching up with what other people are doing; another one for my really off the wall spiritual stuff, which I can't talk to most others about; and this one, which just like my other previous 'diaries' will probably get updated randomly and not very often!

I'm writing to today to help sort out what I think is another loop in my life.
Every three months of so (I feel during the full moon) I go through a phase of 'fuck it' I'll totally be how I want to be. This as I think on it usually involves being really happy and 'celebrating' the fact. Getting totally wasted and trying to crystal heal while drunk. Ummm.

So then for the next few days to a week or so (if the pattern follows) I go through a period doubting myself, which leads to feeling that I've become needy (probably due to the lack of self esteem) and I become grumpy that I rely on Hubby too much and have no life of my own.

The last instance of this is when I snapped because the printer didn't work how I wanted it to - what had led to this point was that I just happily settled into editing my recent manuscript (a job I managed to get for myself! woohoo go me!) and Hubby says the tickets for the club night need sending if I've got a minute.

Now that in itself is a reasonable request, but during this sensitive time to me it just represented how I always drop everything for what Frank's wants, and allow myself to feel like his subordinate. He didn't ask me to do the tickets immediately (I just feel obliged to because I get to work when I want while he slaves away at his various jobs). But I know my time is just as valuable as his, but when I don't take time for me time, and let him take over it irritates me. It's not my fault he's a workaholic and I'm not.

So the purpose of this little whinge is so I can see and stop the cycle. I will always get angry when inanimate objects (like our printer) don't work, but it shouldn't be allowed to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

So how do I propose to solve this?
Well I'm hoping in writing this blog regularly (I set myself the challenge to update this blog every Monday / Thursday night, but I'll see). I can sort out my niggles in a fashion in which I can communicate them properly. 'Honey, I hate it when I turn myself into your all serving slave while my self-esteem is low, only to take it out on you later.' (Though, it'll probably be worded differently).
Reduce drinking / stop drinking the fews days before and after a full moon - I have a calendar which shows the moon cycles so this shouldn't be too difficult (my periods also fall just before a full moon, so this might give some indication of just how much the moon effects me...).

Realistically, I do find keeping this diary helps (the friending females is working ok). As I learned in the spiritual psychology classes, you can't solve a problem until you are fully aware it's there.

05/09/08

Current mission for the year - Learn to Like Girls

This thought came about after a female friend (woohoo - almost there!) opened up and said that she was still finding it hard letting her new bloke close to her after the shit that happened with the last one.

Now, I'm not saying I've never been hurt by a bloke, but in general I've been lucky when it comes to being friends / in love with the opposite sex, but it seems the problems I need to address are with my own sex...

I feel it would be helpful for me to combat my neurosis if I list everything here that I remember from childhood and work through it.

Earlist memories:

Mum being on all fours with the other mums (with the kids on the back) leading us around in a circle, like elephants in a circus - apparently this was to be the first time I joined in this playgroup, as previously I'd hidden away

At first school I was the little picking weirdo - with a few friends who were mostly boys and one young girl follower called Jenny - who later went on to have normal female friends who I found annoying mostly, but some were OK.

In secondary school I was childminded, the daughter of the childminder was one of the popular girls (at school I was the weirdo who belived she was a witch (thanks S. P...). Though I did into ballet dancing through this girl, so it wasn't all bad.

I met G through ballet. She was funny, friendly, but when she started school, she got into the cool crowd and we grow apart (I gave up on this friendship at her birtday party, when I realised I didn't actually like (most probably felt intimidated by) her other friends - who seemed only to care about what they looked like, and other such nonsense I didn't really care about.

Later on in life (during my early modeling career) my only real associations I had with females was naked in photos

What I feel about females

I like natural big boobs, no idea why really

I feel any good female friend I make will find new friends (who I dislike) and bore of me for being slightly strange. (This is something I find going through my memories will uncover).

If I do find a female I'd like to be friends with - I come on too strong, like I'm desperate for friendship, and act like a bloke - which strangely makes them want to make space.